Conflict is awkward, annoying, uncomfortable, unavoidable, inevitable and most times, unresolved and left to simmer. Many times, it is the elephant in the room that no one wants to confront. Perhaps it involves a staff member exhibiting bullying behavior who intimidates teammates. Or an employee favored by a supervisor who doesn’t pull her weight and receives no consequences. Whatever it is, conflict often goes unaddressed and grows like a virus. Why?
First and foremost, poor communication. Through a variety of educational mechanisms including school, on the job learning and life experience, we are taught the skills that we need to perform tasks at work. What we are often not taught is how to have appropriate and meaningful conversations with each other. When conflict arises, we tend to react defensively or shut down rather than give thought to the interaction from all perspectives.
Confronting conflict begins by examining who we bring into the conversation. What words are we using? Can we hear the tone that we’re employing and how does it come across to the recipient? Are we calm or do our actions portray discomfort, anger, uncertainty or rage? All important questions to ask before we step into a challenging discussion.
Efficient, effective and reliable communication is learned, observed and modeled. It takes time and practice. But the benefits are immeasurable. The better we communicate and develop skills to handle uncomfortable conversations, the more we will downsize conflict.
This means developing a toolbelt of strategies and "doing our homework." (getting to know the people we work with so that we’re able to develop approaches that fit personalities, behavior and issues).
How do we become conflict strategists? Here are a few approaches to tuck away in your toolbelt.
- Adopt a mindset of inquiry: Ask questions to uncover the issue, motives and root cause of the conflict.
- Actively listen without filtering your perspective into the discussion.
- Ask yourself and the person you are conversing with, "How do we know that the issue is true?" Is it a perspective or are there facts that back it up?
- Repeat back what you are being told to the satisfaction of the other person to be sure that you are properly hearing their concerns.
- Do not judge the person or the conversation.
- Create a respectful environment for the difficult conversation, both the neutral place where it is held and the treatment of the other person.